BLOODY HELL. LOOK AT THIS.
I took it out of its wrapping and almost wept with delight*. I've said it before and no doubt I'll be saying it again in the near future, but the photos can't possibly do justice to just how handsome this razor is. Have a look at those Burr Walnut scales. They make you want to run to the top of a mountain and burst into song, like Julie Andrews. Or climb to the top of the Empire State Building and swat bi-planes out of the sky like King Kong. Or sink to your knees on a beach, screaming You maniacs. You finally did it, like Charles Heston at the end of Planet Of The Apes, or ... Hang on, I'm getting a bit hysterical here**.
Here's another photo showing off the scales. But it's only when you actually open the razor up and start juggling*** with it that you really start to appreciate its full splendour and things start getting really out of hand. Now, you're on horseback, eyes slitted against the sun beneath the brim of your hat****, like Clint Eastwood in A Fistful Of Dollars. Have a look at these photos and bathe luxuriously in the Raccoon's heavenly glow*****.
Come on, be honest. You want to run heroically in slow-motion towards the camera and then hurl yourself forwards as Doctor No's island lair explodes behind you, don't you? You want to raise an eyebrow quizzically as you say Bond. James Bond, to yourself in the mirror******. But most of all, you want to mix up a creamy lather, cover your face with it******* with the aid of a fine brush and then, with a silent prayer ********, thanking the heavens above for sending you something so wondrous, indulge in the sort of shave that only a blade of this quality can give you.
God. I love wet shaving.
* Really. I mean, can you blame me, though? In a word: simply stunning. That's two words. So, in two words: simply stunning.
** I could easily have gone on like this for ... well, hours, to be honest.
*** No, of course I don't juggle with it. That would be ridiculous. Avoiding slicing your lips off while shaving with a straight razor is tricky enough without adding to an already fraught situation by juggling with one.
**** I don't mean the sun's beneath the brim of your hat. I see how that sentence could be confusing. Just read it again and you'll get what I mean.
***** By this point you're probably thinking, or even saying out loud, Jesus Christ, Dave Shaves, calm down. It's a straight razor, for Pete's sake, not the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel. But I've heard of grown men weeping over the skill used to score a goal in a football match so, you know, each to his own.
****** I ummed and aaahed about keeping this bit in, as I was concerned that anyone reading it would decide that I'm a psychopath. But then I figured that, judging by the bleak lack of subscribers, no one reads this stuff anyway, so it probably doesn't matter in the slightest.
******* Not your whole face, obviously. Just the bits that you're going to shave. Unless, of course, your have a particularly hairy face. In which case I suppose you would actually lather up your whole face. I'm rambling.
******** Or out loud. Doesn't have to be silent. I'm not given to praying so I wouldn't know.