Snakebite shaving soap and aftershave

"Look at 'em. Standing there, the shaving equivalent of 1960s Cockney crime bosses, staring you down, daring you to stare back and knowing that if you do, they can fakkin do you. Good style.

The one in front looks proper naughty. Look at him the wrong way and you'll be flat on your back with a blade at your throat before you can say Please, boss. I'm no grass, boss. Honest, boss. He might not do you there and then if you plead enough but you'll likely be helping to prop up Bow flyover by the following morning.

The other one stands slightly back, quieter, more business-like but equally as dangerous. He'll offer you a drink or a smoke and just as you relax and you're off your guard - WALLOP! - he'll chin you and you'll be picking your teeth out of the gutter from now 'til breakfast. Know what I mean? Lovely job."

(taken from Terry Children's gripping biography You Fakkin Dirty Mug: The Life and Times of Rodney and Richie Bite)

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Fine Accoutrements' Snake Bite after-shave lotion (or after shaving tonic as they have it on the rather amusing label) comes with a bit of a reputation. A reputation for delivering a four-punch menthol combo to your freshly shaven face that'll have you pulling an expression similar to the one you would pull if you tried to shave with an ice-cold cheese grater. It's meant to provide a cold, menthol 'burn' - but an enjoyable one. Some reviewers have said that the burn lasts for ten minutes. Others that it lasts for years*. Does it? I don't know. I can't comment yet as I've yet to try it, but I'm intending to do that very soon.

As for the shaving soap: to say that the scent when you open the lid is powerful would be a ridiculous understatement. If you have a blocked nose, this will unblock it. If you have a blocked drain this will unblock it. If you have a blocked ... anyway, you get the idea**. Blimey, it's strong. Not unpleasantly strong, I should add, although you'll certainly wake up quickly in the morning when you use it, in the same way you would if I slapped you round the face with a deep-frozen squirrel.

I'm truly looking forward to trying out both products as soon as I can. My initial thought had been to marry the shaving soap and after shaving tonic with the Marvel DE safety razor from the same company, but actually I can feel an Ever Ready 1912 shave coming on, so stand by your beds.

* They haven't. I was joking. Come on, keep up. It's called comedy.

** The only reason I didn't go for a third example is because I couldn't think of one. I did briefly ponder 'If you have blocked chakras, this will unblock them' but I didn't think it went with the tone of the rest of the review. So I didn't. But hopefully you've enjoyed this fascinating example of how ideas appear, dance around on the edge of the creative cliff and then fall to their peril on the jagged rocks of reason and good sense far below.